Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
This show inspires me to have sex in space
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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