my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
