Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
