It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
