please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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