Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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