At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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