please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
