True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
