I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
