There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
