i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize