The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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