I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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