im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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