I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
