so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
