last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
