When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
