Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
