no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I skipped work to stalk him.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
