walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
