Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
