Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
