why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
it's great music for shaving your balls
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
