that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
