3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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