mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
