I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I AM VODKA MAN
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
