if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Randomize
