Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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