I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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