Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You need Xanax blowdarts
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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