Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
