I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
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