I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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