omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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