this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
