Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
