This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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