If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
