were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
