I think I am morally bankrupt
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
