My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
