she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize