he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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