I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
