I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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