Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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