He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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