If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
