I can text with my tongue
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
