My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Randomize
