Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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