i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
