Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
