im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
