I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
