I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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