He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
This house was built for laser tag.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
