wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
